An Open Letter to Raisins

Dear raisins,

Why you got to be all crinkly and gross? I used to think you were kinda tasty when I was little and you came in those cute, miniature boxes.  But then I grew up and realized that like fish sticks you’ve always been nasty and have been fooling innocent kids for years.

What happened to you?

You used to be so good when you were a grape.

Who decided to shrivel up your goodness and then ruin perfectly good trail mixes by adding you?  Don’t you see that at the bottom of every bag of trail mix, you’re all that’s left?  There’s a reason, raisins. It’s because you’re disgusting and nobody likes you!  Plus, sometimes we mistake you for chocolate chips and when we bite into your gooey grossness, we feel deceived and disappointed.  Why can’t you be more like MnM’s?  No one’s ever sad to see them.

Some people put you on celery covered in peanut butter and call it “ants on a log.”  I like peanut butter on just about anything, but when you came along, you totally ruined that snack.  Have you ever eaten an actual ant?  They’re terrible.  Just like you.  Ants on a log?  No thank you.  I’ll just take the log.

Also, who in their right mind decided to add you to cookies?!?  Was that some kind of joke?  Oatmeal cookies could have been so delicious but you had to weasel your way into that recipe and completely destroy what could have been a beautiful combination of sugar and oats.  Thanks a lot.

You ruined a perfectly good cookie and I wish you never existed.

Sincerely yours,

Katie

PS- At least you’re not as bad as pickles.

19 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Raisins

  1. Ron Van Lant

    I couldn’t agree more. I have thought all those things. And why do they have to put them in oliebollen. Very funny.

    Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      Haha! I realize there’s a Van in your name but I didn’t realize the extent of your true Dutchness until just now:) Raisins in oliebollen?!? Sacrilege!

      Reply
  2. Erica

    I feel the EXACT same way!! “Why you got to be all crinkly and gross?” Hahaha!!!
    And the parts about the trail mix (reason why I won’t eat trail mix) and the oatmeal cookies…you are spot on! I hate biting into an oatmeal cookie thinking it has chocolate chips only to find they are raisins….sends chills down my spine.
    Thank you for writing this letter and expressing my (same) true feelings!
    Take that raisins!!!

    Reply
      1. katiehardeman Post author

        It totally does!! So weird! Also, I’ve been watching too many of John Green’s “Crash Course” youtubes for history so that first line totally sounds like him and his open letters. I’m so unoriginal:)

        Reply
  3. Megan

    Not all raisins are gross, you’re making too big of a generalization Katie. The fresh & rinkled but still slighltly plump ones are good. Possibly you have gotten some old trail mix that has old shriveled raisin in it. Please don’t discount all raisins due to a few bad grapes.

    Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      While writing this rant, I thought of you and how much the Thomas clan loved oatmeal raisin cookies. You’ve always been pro-raisin but it’s a fact I’ve always been willing to overlook. So while yes, I agree that fresh, plump raisins are different from shriveled,old raisins, that certainly doesn’t make them “good.”

      Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      Hahaha! WONDERFUL point! How could I forget how raisins have snuck their way into delicious breakfast pastries?!? Thankfully, the people at Cinnabon know what’s up.

      While doing some fact-checking, I found this, “Cinnabon’s original recipe used raisins, but they were removed within a few weeks and have not been in our cinnamon rolls since 1985.”

      Best decision they ever made.

      Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      Dark chocolate? Yes please. Dark chocolate over raisins….? We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one since I know you will never back down from your very peculiar obsession:)

      Reply
  4. Lesley

    Don’t plan a visit to my house anytime soon, Katie. Anna LOVES raisins and eats them daily. They are smushed in my carpet, in my couch cushions and buried in her play kitchen. It’s so nasty. We buy two large bags of the Costco packs each month. Out.Of.Control.

    Reply
  5. Teresa

    My mom used to give to us as a snack, but she would cover them in powdered sugar, then they’re not too bad. Looking back, my mom gave us a lot of unhealthy snacks…

    Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      Powdered sugar? I’ve never heard of eating raisins that way. I suppose we have to get creative in masking the nastiness that is a raisin. I applaud your mom for trying:)

      Reply
  6. Tom

    What are you on about? Raisins are the best! Raisins are most likely the best bit of trail mix, if I only knew what that was. Save them for me!

    Reply
    1. katiehardeman Post author

      Oh Tom, you’re one of the smartest guys I know but sometimes you’re so British it kills me.

      First you don’t know what tortillas are and now trail mix? No wonder you think raisins are good- you’ve missed out on so many other delicious snacks that you’ve been forced to accept these crinkly fellows as tasty treats.

      You’ve been deceived, Tom. Next time you visit I will introduce you to trail mix and show you how all the other ingredients are downright delicious but raisins completely spoil the party.

      Also, while we’re on the topic of snacks, when we were in Istanbul you gave me a bit of ginger and I pretended to like it because I didn’t want to be rude. But Tom, it was awful. Even worse than raisins. Feels good to get that off my chest.

      Reply
      1. Tom

        I’m intrigued by this trail mix!

        Ginger!? Ginger is amazing! And it was sugared ginger. Ginger WITH sugar. Perfect! But I thank you for honesty, even though your tastes fill me with concern.

        Reply
        1. katiehardeman Post author

          Sugar tries its best to mask disgusting tastes, but just as sugar-covered raisins are still raisins, sugared ginger can’t stop being ginger. And ginger is HORRIBLE!!! So I politely agree to disagree.

          You were right about British cheese, though. Love that stuff. My brother looked in the fridge and asked if I was on a cheese diet:) So I suppose your taste buds aren’t completely out of whack. Only a little:)

          Reply

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