No Fart Goes Unnoticed
In the adult world you can often get away with passing gas at work without fear of judgement or ridicule. Other adults will silently endure your SBD’s. They might want to gag and plug their noses; their instinct might be to cough and to cringe.
But they won’t.
They will sit in your cloud of stank and not utter a single complaint because that’s what adults are supposed to do. Some won’t even giggle if what you thought was going to be an SBD, turns out to be a not-so-silent-but-still-quite-deadly butt-hole emission. (Because as my dad says, “When you get older, you can never trust a fart.)
I bet politicians and big-wig businessmen can get away with ripping a rapid fire of terrible toots without anyone even raising an eyebrow.
Adults are condemned to silently suffer when others emit pungent odors reminiscent of rotten eggs and sewage. Age has taught us that is proper and polite to simply ignore the fact that a colleague has released odors so strong and so sour that one must breathe through their mouth to prevent fainting. Social protocol is clear when it comes to farts in the workplace: “That fart never happened.”
But this is not the case in schools.
It’s quite the opposite really.
The great thing about farts in the classroom is that they don’t discriminate. Farts don’t care if you’re male or female, a freshman or a senior, a jock or a band geek. Farts are universal. They can strike at any moment and plague both the tall and the small, the rich and the poor, the popular and the socially awkward. No one is safe when it comes to a surprise gas attack.
And when the attack happens in a high school, if just one little pop slips out or one simple waft of a future poop is released into the air, it WILL be noticed.
There will be snickering.
There will be comments.
There might be students pretending to pass out.
And if the victim is a girl trying her hardest not to be noticed, she might be traumatized.
I would venture to say that at least 60 % of teenage girls would say their most embarrassing moment of high school was caused by a fart.
Because when you fart in a high school classroom, there is no social protocol. And teenagers can be ruthless.
Just yesterday I had to pretend to rearrange the books in the back of the classroom so students wouldn’t notice my laughter after witnessing the after-effects of a deadly bottom blast. The class was quizzing their partner on vocabulary words, and I noticed one boy with his shirt pulled up over his mouth and nose. His parter had his head in his arm. Both boys were shaking from laughter.
Then I noticed the boys directly in front of them. One was gagging. With one hand he plugged his nose, while he used the other hand to wave away the invisible anal vapors.
The poor tooter was grinning and turning bright red, but there was nothing I could do to save him.
You can’t order teenagers not to laugh at a fart.
You just can’t.
And you’re asking for a mean case of the giggles to break out if you call any attention to the brown cloud.
As an adult, I know that I can’t laugh and point like all the others. It is my duty as a teacher to change the subject and capture the class’ attention so they will forget about the flatulence and the poor fellow who released it. But this is one of the hardest parts of my job.
Because when I hear or smell a fart, I am DYING inside.
And I love that high schoolers haven’t yet learned that you’re supposed to ignore the stank and the squeakers. I love when I catch them exchanging silent glances across the aisle, saying with their eyes and a quick sniff, “Do you SMELL that?!”
You may think me rude for deriving such pleasure from these moments that must be sheer torture for some kids. But students aren’t the only ones afflicted by attacks. Teachers, on occasion, also have to squeeze our cheeks to hold one in. And every once in awhile, we too lose control and let out a butt burp.
However, we are not trapped in our desks like the poor kiddos.
A friend and former flight attendant, who often suffered from the alti-tooties, taught me the beauty of crop-dusting an aisle. It was one of the most valuable lessons I learned as a new teacher. Feel the sphincter’s song about to be sung?
Simply walk up and down the aisles at a brisk pace leaving the students to bask in your fart cloud and wonder which classmate had done it. All the while, they’ll remain completely oblivious to the pungent party in your pants. This method has been tried and tested. It works like a charm.
Sure, it’s probably pretty immature of me to enjoy others’ farts as much as I do.
And yeah, as a 30 year old, it’s a bit ridiculous how funny farts still are to me.
But with a sense of humor like mine, farts in the classroom are ALWAYS a highlight.
Fellow teachers, have you found this to be true in your classrooms? Non-teachers, do you silently suffer through others’ silent-but-deadlies? Or perhaps you farted in class years ago and still haven’t forgotten about it, do us a favor and share your story here.