The following list of guidelines are not my own. When I was visiting my friend Megan, her husband showed me an e-mail he received from his boss, who I should mention is the head pastor at their church. Said e-mail included all of the following guidelines for poo etiquette and then some. I felt compelled to delete and edit some portions of the e-mail because it was too graphic even for me. Yeah, I know. I posted these rules in the staff bathroom last year, but they were abruptly torn down. Someone either didn’t find them funny or couldn’t follow the rules. Either way, I was slightly peeved that they poo-pawed the poo guidelines.
6 Guidelines for Poo Etiquette in the Workplace
1. If you poo and it causes rectal discomfort, you must ensure poo flushes properly. This is done by scrutinizing the flushing cycle, ensuring poo has completely been eradicated from bowl. Do not flush and exit stall before cycle is complete. For those of you who may have enlarged sphincter capacity and poo does not cause discomfort but girth of poo is abnormal in size (2 ½ “ diameter +), you must also watch the entire flushing cycle. Continue reading
Even though it’s still 90 degrees where I live, my summer is officially over. I know this because I’m setting my alarm again and no longer watching episodes of Friday Night Lights until 2 in the morning. And I know it’s over because I’m thinking about lesson plans and seating charts rather than what book I should read next or where I should go for ice cream. The end of summer also brings an end to my hiatus from this blog. I haven’t yet figured out what weekly posts I’ll be doing, but I’m kicking off the start to a new blog year with a story from summer. Enjoy.
There are certain moments in life that will never be forgotten. Snapshots that will never fade or disappear despite the passing years. Some of these moments involve a white dress and an aisle. Others involve a hospital room and a crying newborn. I’ve yet to walk down the aisle or birth a child, but I have collected several of these unforgettable moments and have stored them in the parts of my brain where they’ll never collect dust. The most recent of these moments happened this summer while I was in Alaska. It involved neither a husband nor a baby, but rather… a sewage tank. Continue reading
Does your personality ever go missing?
And I can’t write when it’s gone. I tried to, but everything I wrote came out sounding phony or obnoxious and I was annoying even myself. Hence the lack of posts recently. Despite this “writing funk” I’ve been in, I’ve still been learning a lot lately and feel compelled to share some of these lessons with you.
Lessons I learned while my personality was on vacation:
I learned that you need to be extra careful when wearing wedges in slippery bleachers or you could slip and fall in front of parents and students and look like a total buffoon. Hypothetically speaking.
I learned that if you try to order “gyros” at a Greek restaurant, you should know how to pronounce it or else people will think you’re a moron. Whoever invented silent letters deserves to be shot. Continue reading
I love my church for many reasons and one of them is because during the recent sermon series about our fight against sin, poo has been mentioned from the pulpit on two separate occasions.
Yes, I do find bathroom humor slightly more humorous than the average girl, and possibly more than some guys. I get a kick out of signs like this:
and appreciate quotes like this:
I blame this somewhat “unsophisticated” sense of humor on the years spent sharing a bathroom with my “pees all over the seat” and “forgets to flush” brothers. Over the years, I’ve received several text messages from them with pictures of their poo. And last Easter, I returned the favor. I typically wouldn’t do this, but I’m a sucker for coincidence, so I just had to send them a picture of my “creation” which bore a striking resemblance to the Easter bunny. Don’t worry, I promise not to post that picture. But you can see why these poo references from the pulpit made me leak tears of laughter and inspired my recent “wow moments.”
In the first sermon, the pastor told the story of when he pooped his pants while running through a subway station in Mexico. I have never laughed so hard in church. And I’ll probably never forget this story. The image of my pastor, sitting on the subway in Mexico City, wearing khaki pants with poo streaks running down his legs, and white shoes splattered with poo, is an image that is burned into my brain. Forever.
He told us how he thought he was pretty inconspicuous until the train stopped and every single passenger got off. And he then explained how if we think no one notices our sin, if we think our sin doesn’t reek, we’re terribly wrong. Continue reading